West Wing World: The Amusement Park That Is the White House
Dear West Wing World Guest,
Hello and welcome to West Wing World, your immersive, resort and holiday experience. I’m Kellyanne, your personal concierge. We hope you enjoyed our West Wing World transit accommodations. If you were stalked or nearly taken prisoner by staffer holdouts from the Obama administration, please accept our apologies, we are still in the process of evacuating hosts and personnel who have been…shall we say, a teensy bit confused about the concept of “changing of the guard.” Obama left gracefully, but former VP Biden has holed up in a cupboard on the third floor like he’s Anne Frank or something, and refuses to leave. Our security teams have assured that you’re in no danger. In fact, some of our guests are quite exhilarated by all the excitement, and have even requested that former VP Biden take them as hostages. Here at West Wing World we aim to please, that’s our motto, right up there with “alternative facts.”
If you are viewing this orientation video, congratulations! You made it! I am here to ensure that your stay will be as enjoyable as possible. Should you need any assistance, please contact me anytime day or night. (Like, seriously, day or night, I literally don’t sleep or have any personal agency whatsoever, usually I try and keep that on the DL because some guests find it rather creepy, but I can tell right away that you’re different from all the rest, and I really mean that, wink.)
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Soon you will be escorted to West Wing World’s Wardrobe and Personas Suite. The park is all inclusive, and clothing from Ivanka’s fashion and accessories line, which is official dress code for West Wing World staff, awaits you, along with everything you need to enjoy your stay. Speaking of fascists…excuse me, I mean fashion facists, I mean fashionistas, er I mean the fashion conscience, we are excited to launch a line of Hawaiian shirts, just $2,999.00 each, and elastic-waist cargo shorts, only $4,999.00 under President Steve Bannon’s brand. The cargo shorts are perfect for stashing executive orders and those discreet flasks of Stolichnaya. Buy them today while supplies last!
We apologize for the rabid mob of professional protesters in pussy headgear outside the gates. We understand how distressing lazy people can be, especially lazy people without the ability to properly accessorize, or mix and match appropriate separates from Ivanka Trump’s fashion line. You’ll receive no such guff from our lady hosts here at West Wing World—we know our place, and salute the gumption of Oklahoma legislators and encourage other districts to follow suit, because we understand that our bodies belong to the State, and we put the host in hostess, especially pregnant lady bodies. Your special man seed is our parasite, and our pleasure! Blessed be the fruit!
We hope you’ve had the opportunity to review the Storyline Itineraries located in your orientation handbooks. Please make your selections and choose your safe words.
DAY ONE: The transit pod will deposit you at the White House West Wing, a bustling administrative community full of character and charm. West Wing World is a step back into a time when America was great, back to those halcyon days when women couldn’t buy property and minorities couldn’t vote or be within 50 yards of a white person. If you’re looking for a glimpse of Russian interference, explore the communications room, or check out President Bannon’s office.
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DAY TWO: Time to expand your horizons by climbing aboard a horse and buggy for a visit to the State Department—a close-knit community you’re not sure to forget. Just pay mind that you have boarded the right buggy—they are clearly marked “Whites Only,” and “Others/Minorities.”
DAY THREE: If you’re up for some adventure, head over to the East Wing, you will pass through the west and east colonnades, the perfect place for hiking, animal watching, and mining for gold. Be on the lookout for ghosts and haunts—the East Wing’s Jackie O. Garden is built on an ancient Indian graveyard!
DAY FOUR: Time to lean into one of the park’s most timeless perks: guilt-free decadence. Check out the situation room, where you can verbally abuse world leaders without censure, like Mexican President Pena Nieto. Or have fun accusing Australian Prime Minister Turnbull of dumping terrorist onto the U.S., and then hang up on him. Attacking other countries is un-presidented.
DAY FIVE: In the midst of all the action, park guests often overlook undiscovered areas, such as the Tweets Hall of Fame Toilet. Here you’ll view a photo gallery of some of the president’s most memorable Tweets while he was taking his mid-morning constitutions. Who could forget such sage-worn wisdoms—like when the president addressed U.S. Judge James Robart’s halt of restricted travel ban, in all caps “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!” Or who could forget: “The FAKE NEWS media (failing @nytimes, @NBCNews, @ABC, @CBS, @CNN) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American People!” Tweet your own unforgettable fake news!
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DAY SIX: After nearly a week in the park, you might be ready to explore. The more experienced park visitor might enjoy Mar-a-Lago, or what the president refers to as the “Southern White House” in Palm Beach, Florida. Here the president spends long weekend vacations on the taxpayer’s dime. Or if you have a hankering for Manhattan, venture over to Melania Trump’s sanctuary in the Trump Tower—another ringing example of taxpayer fleecing, at the cost of only half-a-million dollars per day to maintain.
DAY SEVEN: A whole week in and you’ve just started to uncover all that West Wing World has to offer. Have you visited Congress yet? Plenty of mud-slinging and stone walling sure to delight! We hope you enjoyed the special luncheon with Frederick Douglas in observance of African American History Month. Mr. Douglas is doing a terrific job! Visit us again next season when we’ll be hosting a banquet in honor of Native American Heritage Month with special guests Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren and Andrew Jackson.
Our hosts are here to fulfill your every desire, and look forward to serving you. Have a wonderful time, the wild, untamed landscape awaits.
Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney's, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge
