President Donald Trump laid his body down and drifted into a necromantic state at the tomb of Andrew Jackson last week in Nashville, Tennessee. Prior to the visit, which was planned to commemorate Jackson’s 250th birthday, President Trump consulted a witch doctor and held a séance in the Oval Office with his closest cabinet members.
A White House spokesperson said: “The president is seeking a spiritual allegiance with the seventh U.S. Indian killer…uh, I mean President. He’s been trying to conjure Andrew Jackson since before he took office. I mean, he just loves the guy! It’s a regular bro-mance, despite the fact Jackson is dead. I mean, all I can say about their relationship status is that it’s complicated.”
In his first week in office President Trump hung a portrait of Andrew Jackson in the Oval Office. Trump described his honorable master in a set of Tweets: “Some people might consider Jackson an unearthly beast, a black stain upon the universe, a reveler in anarchy and wickedness among the enclaves of darkness and shadows, but I think people should give him a chance! Jackson’s a great guy!”
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White House insiders report that Trump has papered his private quarters with posters and images of the homicidal tyrant, and appears to be carrying out dark rituals in the evenings between watching Fox News and tapes of The Apprentice. Details of the rituals are sketchy, but there are reports that they involve certain farm animals and rolls of aluminum foil.
Other accounts from housekeeping staff say that the president is often heard repeating “Andrew Jackson” over and over. “The president seems to believe Andrew Jackson is Beetlejuice. You don’t want to mess with that Beetlejuice dude, that’s a bad, bad hombre, and he’s kind of disgusting, I mean have you seen his teeth?”
Andrew Jackson is the United States’ seventh president and a figure for whom many people, including Choctaw citizen Aaron Butler believe to be evil incarnate. “Andrew Jackson makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like an amateur. The U.S. and the president are essentially valorizing Jeffrey Dahmer. Imagine having the portrait of Jeffrey Dahmer on the twenty-dollar bill. What are you laughing at? I don’t think that’s funny, I think that’s sick. Get out of my face!”
The last president known to conjure the spirit of Andrew Jackson was Ronald Reagan, when he visited Jackson’s Tennessee Hermitage in 1982. Later that year Nancy Reagan fell into a well.
Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge
