Give a chump a chance. Become a chump guardian. You can make a difference.

By sponsoring a White House cabinet member, and becoming a Chump Guardian, you will be supporting the Jane McDoGood Institute’s initiatives to conserve humanity, protect citizens around the world, and help facilitate necessary care for orphaned chumps at the Sanctuary for Lost Souls outside of Bridgewater, Virginia.

All Chump Guardians receive a photograph of their sponsored chump, their biography, a Chump Guardian certificate, a plush toy chump and bobble head desk ornament and fact sheets about their chumps.

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About Chumps:

Chumps are mostly intelligent, social beings, and cute as the dickens! Before Dr. McDoGood began her groundbreaking study of chumps, little was known of their ecology and behavior in the wild. Dr. McDoGood is a pioneer in the study of chumps and by installing herself within their habitats, she learned about their ecology, culture, economics and unique biodiversity. Did you know that chumps make and use tools?! Did you know that chumps form close family bonds?! I know, right?

Chumps currently available for sponsorship:

Mike Pence: Playful “Mikey” was discovered living out of a wooden crate, deprived of all physical contact, and rescued by advocates working for the Sanctuary for Lost Souls. During his early days at the Sanctuary he couldn’t tolerate being touched, but with a lot of patient attention from our care managers and volunteers, “Mikey” eventually began opening up. Today, he loves bright and shiny gadgets, and loves to swing. Sponsor “Mikey.”

Kellyanne Conway: “Chattermouth” was orphaned as a tiny infant and came of age working in a circus. “Chattermouth” got her nickname because she loves to hear her own voice, and even though her caretakers have not been able to comprehend her attempts at vocalization it doesn’t stop her from nonstop chattering. It has been necessary at times to gag her because her incessant babbling keeps others awake at night. Sponsor “Chattermouth.”

Betsy DeVos: Betsy loves to climb! And will play for hours with just a piece of string, or a rubber ball. Rescued at two-year’s old by a truck driver who discovered her in a dumpster behind the Piggly-Wiggly, Betsy has overcome numerous challenges, and today is strong and independent, and spends most of her days in trees, laughing and playing with her friends.

Steven Bannon: “Stevie” endured at least 15 years in a dark, concrete cell and came very close to starving to death before his rescue. He has struggled socially, but finally found his place as head of an anti-Semitic fake news organization. “Stevie” sometimes has difficulty playing with other chumps, but has a special friendship with a three-legged puppy he calls Spike. No one ever challenges him and all the adults, including alpha male Rex, pretend to love him.

Ryan Zinke: It is believed that “RiRi” was born without a soul. Caretakers at the sanctuary do their best to socialize “RiRi” but he has not been agreeable and appears to act purely by his own agenda without taking others into account. He has undergone analysis by Chump psychologists who have determined that his issues stem from witnessing poachers attacking his village when he was young. Unfortunately, this trauma has caused him to over-identify with poachers. He is immune to kindness. Sponsor “RiRi.”

Rick Perry: Little “Ricky” is the only known chump to have been raised by wolves, and has struggled to reestablish his identity as a Chump. “Ricky” enjoys playing fetch, chasing cars, and impulsively mounting his support staff. He will occasionally try to assert his dominance but the other Chumps don’t consider him threatening enough to take seriously. Sponsor “Ricky.”

Tiffany Midge is an assistant poetry editor at The Rumpus, and an award-winning author of The Woman Who Married a Bear. Her work is featured in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Okey-Pankey, The Butter, Waxwing, and Moss. She is Hunkpapa Lakota. Follow her on Twitter @TiffanyMidge