ICTMN would like to congratulate the winners of the 58th Annual Grammy Awards. Even though Tanya Tagaq, Supaman, Samantha Crain or A Tribe Called Red didn’t win a Grammy this year (nor were they nominated), it doesn’t diminish the fact that Natives are still the best singers, the best drummers, the best music-makers, and let’s face it, the best lovers.

In order to commemorate the Grammy Awards in the best Native-way possible, we pulled together a mashup of Indigenous versions of popular groups that could’ve, would’ve and should’ve taken home a statue in an alterNative world.

Manifest Destiny’s Child

Photo: iStock

Wait… that does kinda look like Beyonce’

This group didn’t win a Grammy this year, but during the awards ceremony, they crashed the party without being invited, slayed the host and took all the Grammys and swag they wanted. They’re coming next year; again, uninvited.

Three Rez Dog Night

Photo: iStock

You can dress up as much as you want Rez Dogs… but you ain’t foolin anyone.

This original, street-tough, bruiser pack with certified rez-cred raised the roof with hit singles like “Don’t Care if We’re Cuzzins, Love You Anyways,” and “You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Rez Dog.” The old-school pack whose bark is worse than its bite is here to remind you that it’s a rez dog eat rez dog world.

Buffalo Meat Loaf

Photo: iStock

Nice try lead singer… we just hope Taylor will be alright.

These wooly beasts stampeded the 58th Annual Grammy Awards and nearly gored Taylor Swift and Vanessa Hudgens during a High School Musical revamp in what some reporters mistakenly stated was a protest against not winning a Grammy. In actuality, the band had been provoked by Instagram-snapping tourists who got perilously too close for comfort.

The Commod-bod-odores

Photo: iStock

We’ve never seen anyone sing that well into a sandwich.

This is the heavy metal band who put the “heavy” in metal and the “rolls” in rock and roll. When asked what contributed to their musical success, they said, “We built this city, not on rock and roll, but on commodity cheese macaroni and white bread fried bologna sandwiches.”

Black Hills Sabbath

BHS is the hardest-working band in the world and the poorest. The group refuses any and all payments for royalties, merchandising or performances. Their stance has remained firm for many years, “Black Hills Sabbath is not for sale.”

Cher (okee Princess)

Photo: AP Images / Rex

She shoulda won this year…

Though she might lose out to Alabama Shakes for the best alterNative music album, she was undaunted. This headdress-wearing hipster managed to offer the following comment, “They don’t have nothing on me, cause I slay, going to Red Lobster anyways,” just before she was mobbed outside the theater by a crowd of Idle No More demonstrators and social justice warriors. (She also looks a lot like Cher who has a coveted Grammy win and eight nominations.)

Cheap Trickster

Even though this group didn’t make the official Grammy list, rap artist Cheap Trickster’s hit single “Dream-Catcher Police” broke new ground in Indian Country. Asked for a statement about the Grammy snub, Cheap Trickster said, “You know, Grammy’s a’right, they just seem a little weird, they be all surrender, but don’t give yourself away, aaaaaaaaaaaaay.” Look for the rapper’s next single “Trickster or Treaty” to drop soon.

The Wanna-Bee Gees

Photo: iStock

Heeeerrrres Johnny.

These guys took home the Grammy for best Indigenous, tribal-inspired album, otherwise known as the Kevin Costner Award. Proving once again, that when it comes to showcasing Indigenous talent, no one does it better than a person who isn’t indigenous.

Lead singer Johnny-Bird-Pooped-On-His-Head-Depp could not be reached for a comment.

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